Boys Wanna Be Her
by Eilwynn
Summary: "I prided myself on being a weird bitch." Fem Edward / Fem Ed full series rewrite. RoyEd / Roy x Ed. Part of the Do It Like A Dude series.
1. Chapter 1

Author's Notes: This is the Fullmetal Alchemist part of a four-part anime fem series. I will be writing four fem stories at the same time - one for Naruto, one for Bleach, one for Fullmetal Alchemist, and one for Yu-Gi-Oh! All my fanfic writing resources will be devoted to this project. It sounds like a lot to take on, but don't worry. I have it all planned and scheduled out. Over the next few days, I will be uploading the first "introductory" chapter of each story.

What do I mean by "introductory?" I mean that any mangaka is, for their first chapter, allowed at least twice the number of pages a weekly chapter would usually have. So the first chapter of any manga is typically separated into two sections. In one section, the main character is somehow introduced. In the second section, the plot is somehow introduced. How long each section is depends on the mangaka. (It was hard to define for this one where the character intro ended and the plot intro began. I had to make do.)

So for each of these stories, I will be uploading the "character introduction" and "plot introduction" in separate segments. Character introduction comes first, for all four stories in a row. Then we get to plot introduction in the second chapter of each story in a row. In other words, this is the "character introduction" for my fem Edward.

A few other notes: This story is mangaverse and in first person. Please do give the first person a chance. It's actually my best point of view. Each fem story title is based off of a song, but this entire project title is also based off of a song. The project is entitled _Do It Like A Dude_ , from the song by Jessie J. Warning - if there even is a non explicit version, they'd have to edit out about half the song. With that said, definitely do check it out.

Without further ado, here's chapter one.

* * *

 **Part 3 of Do It Like A Dude**

 _ **Boys Wanna Be Her**_

 _"You've got them all by the balls_

 _causin' waterfalls, stone walls, bar brawls_

 _Common stalls that cause 'em all_

 _To you they crawl, body sprawl_

 _Smokin' Pall Malls, close call, stand tall_

 _Doll, you make them feel so small_

 _(And they love it)"_

 _ ** **-**** "Boys Wanna Be Her" by Peaches_

* * *

Chapter One

Look. I don't like horrible stories anymore than the next girl. But it all really started in one place.

 _"... Al! Alphonse!"_

 _Electricity still sparked from the center of the vast transmutation circle drawn on the floor, illuminating the dark study, the silent shelves of books. I was prone on the floor. My left leg was a stump, bleeding freely._

 _"Damnit!" I screamed. "What have I done?! This wasn't supposed to -"_

 _My vision was fading in and out; I was trying not to shriek in pain; I was losing blood rapidly, but I had to think, had to think._

 _"Damnit!" I shouted again, through the tears, through the pain. "I've lost everything!"_

 _I had lost my mother. And now thanks to my own stupidity, my brother was gone too. All alchemists believed in equivalent exchange, in a person only being able to learn something by suffering pain. Knowledge was a gift, so something had to be taken away to gain it - time, happiness._

 _But knowledge didn't feel like a gift. Not then._

Yeah. This story? It's not a happy story.

* * *

Liore was supposed to have been a dust bowl, but it didn't look like one when Al and I got there. Flash forward to sixteen years old.

It was a bustling desert town, albeit one filled with tall buildings of many levels, one family living on each level. Still, it was better than we'd expected, much wealthier. Broadcast hour was creepy, though. All of a sudden absolutely everyone in Liore clicked on their radios and bowed their heads. Silence fell over the town. That man's voice was everywhere - echoing at the same time from every single radio in the dead quiet.

No matter where in Liore you went, you couldn't have escaped it.

"Children of God who live upon this land, pray in faith and ye may be saved. The sun God Leto illuminates thy path and drowns out thy sorrows. Behold, as he descends from this throne to save thee from thy sins. As a messenger of God, I am your Father…"

The voice on the radio was deep and dramatic, perfect for public speaking. He was also very humble. The father of an entire town. Nice.

Al and I were sitting at the counter of a little outdoor cafe near the center of town for lunchtime. We'd just come in by train. I'd dedicated myself to trying the cuisine of absolutely every new place we passed through during our travels, and as usual Al had nothing.

"... Some sort of religious broadcast?" said Al with quiet skepticism.

"Yeah, maybe they're planning on sacrificing us to their sun God Leto." I grinned.

The old man at the counter opened his eyes and gave an offended glare. I ate on, pretending obliviousness. "Leto doesn't take human sacrificial worship!"

"Well that's a relief."

He could probably hear my sarcasm, because he said next, "You know, you two are kind of weird looking. Must be travelers. What are you, street performers?"

"Depends. If we do circus tricks for you, how much information do we get?" I said, deadpan.

"Ren!" Al despaired.

"Right, right, sorry…" I sighed, going back to my plate.

"Information?" said the cafe owner, confused.

"Don't worry about it. We're just here looking for something," I muttered vaguely over the food, waving a metal, clicking, joint-fingered hand.

It was true we were weird-looking. Al was a gigantic, talking suit of armor and, well… then there was me. I was a bizarre amalgamation of shapes all put together into a teenage girl. I had a lithe and narrow rod-like body, a diamond face shape, vastly asymmetrical blonde hair, golden eyes like a cat's, and two female-shaped automail limbs - synthetic metal to replace lost limbs. One on my right arm, one on my left leg. I wore both openly, choosing black avant-garde women's outfits. I was a little obsessed with dark and eccentric fashion and alchemical design, and anyway, I believed in turning vulnerabilities into defiant strengths, not to get too philosophical on you. I prided myself on being a weird bitch.

"Excuse me, sir… you don't happen to have the latest alchemical research periodicals, would you?" Al tried wearily.

"Not this far out. Why?" said the cafe owner puzzled.

Al sighed. "Because… Sister gets strange and giggly when she gets bored. Last night she tried turning all the bolts holding the train window closed into chess pieces and the window flew open."

"You two are alchemists?" said the cafe owner curiously. Then his eyes narrowed. "Religion?" he asked threateningly.

"Well this week I'm Agnatean, but that could change," I said, smirking, chin in my hand.

The cafe owner turned to Al, a safe bet as he was usually the sane one. "Is she taking the piss?"

"No," said Al. "Ren just delights in moving through a series of revolving door sets of religious beliefs no one has ever heard of."

I put the empty plate back. "More," I ordered.

The cafe owner's eyebrows rose.

"She also has a food thing," said Al, very articulately.

"Anyway, what's with the broadcast?" I added curiously.

"You haven't heard of the great prophet Cornello?"

"Who?" I asked, deadpan.

"Cornello, the great prophet of the Sun God Leto, founder of Letoism!" The cafe owner glared at me, apparently insulted by my lack of any important knowledge whatsoever.

Then everyone at the counter joined in.

"He can perform miracles!"

"He came to our town, showed us the ways of God, and blessed us with incredible wealth!"

" _Definitely_ the work of God!"

"Lovely. Good for you," I said cheerfully, sarcasm lacing my voice. Great. A cult. "I'm done eating, so let's go, Al." I stood without preamble.

"Okay." Al stood, too - and accidentally hit the ceiling of the counter. The radio fell over onto the ground and smashed into about ten pieces.

"Hey! What are you doing, wearing a stupid suit of armor like that? Now my radio's broken!" the cafe owner snapped.

"Sorry. I'll fix it," said Al, bending down and beginning to draw a circle around the fallen radio.

"Fix it… how? It's ruined," said the cafe owner, bewildered. All the others had crowded around to watch.

"Just watch," I said, smirking, not being unkind in my own way. "It looks unfixable, but Al can do it. He's not as well known as me, but Al can do anything."

"Right!" Al stood and put his hands over the circle surrounding the radio. "Okay, here goes!" There was a flash of light, an explosion of energy that made a few people scream - heh - and then the radio appeared in the circle, playing the broadcast again, perfectly fixed.

"See? How's that?" I said teasingly, grinning.

"Amazing… You guys can work miracles like Cornello!" said the cafe owner in utter awe.

"Not quite." I smiled uneasily. "We're alchemists. The Elric siblings. Like I said, we're… pretty well known."

"I've heard of you guys before! The older sister's a state alchemist… The Fullmetal Alchemist, Florence Elric. Everyone's heard of her - not just because she's a prodigy, but because there aren't very many female state alchemists and the military has certainly never given one a name like Fullmetal before." Everyone in the cafe looked at me. "Though with the limbs, I suppose it fits. So… it's you? But you're so…"

 _"Call me short,"_ I growled threateningly. _"I dare you."_

"We were going to say young." The lead man raised his hands in surrender.

"I'm sixteen!"

"Exactly." He glared. _"Young."_

"Okay, okay…" Al raised his hands and carefully led us apart, for I was growling and leaning forward threateningly. "Yes, my name is Alphonse Elric and this is my older sister Florence. But everyone just calls us Al and Ren."

"Why not Flo?"

"Do I look like an airhead to you?!" I snapped, finally losing my temper. "Do I _look_ like a Flo?!"

"Wow, there's lots of excitement around here today." Everyone looked around at the cheerful, girlish voice. A girl about my age with long dark hair and strawberry bangs, tan skinned like everyone in Liore, slim and pretty, had walked over carrying some groceries with a smile.

"Rose. Getting groceries for Church again?" the cafe owner asked, getting some ingredients from behind the counter.

"Yes. Same stuff as usual. I need to make some offerings. Oh." She looked over at us in surprise, me and my brother. "I haven't met you two before."

"They say they're alchemists and they're looking for something," the cafe owner said casually, getting Rose's things together. He didn't add _state military_ alchemists, especially not with any judgment, proving just how out in the middle of nowhere Liore was.

It also didn't escape me that this Cornello and his Sun God Leto demanded offerings. Where did the offerings go? It could be innocent… but then again it might not be.

"I hope you find what you're looking for!" Rose beamed at us. "May Leto protect you!" Then she walked away.

"Rose is becoming her old self again. It's all thanks to Sir Cornello," said the cafe owner fondly.

"What do you mean?" I asked curiously.

"Rose was raised in an orphanage without a family until she could look after herself. She had a boyfriend who just made her light up, but he died in an accident last year," said the cafe owner.

"Let me guess. Young sweethearts, known each other since childhood," I said dryly.

"How did you know?" He seemed surprised.

"Well, she's about my age, and the legal age of consent with adults is sixteen, though marriageable age is eighteen. If she'd had a boyfriend _now_ , he might be older than her. But if he died a year ago? Gotta be either younger or her age, and I'm going with her age. Add in the fact that it's a small town and everyone already knows each other… it just makes sense."

"You sound contemptuous," said the store owner curiously. "You can't relate as a girl?"

"No way." I leaned my head in my hand, bored. "The only guy I regularly interact with besides Al is the commanding officer of my unit."

"And nothing can happen with him," the cafe owner realized.

"Well… I mean, something _could_." I made a face. "We're both state alchemists and the rules concerning state alchemists are different from standard unit, rank, and fraternization policies. We're all seen by some laws as kind of on an equal level. That's not the problem.

"The problem is that he's a grade A jackass and a skirt-chaser who's been through pretty much every woman in East City."

Al snorted.

"You don't respect him?"

"Course I respect him. Just don't tell him that. I don't have to _like_ him. There's a difference," I said scathingly. "And even if I had lost someone, I'm not the type to turn to some authority figure for comfort. So no. I can't relate to Rose at all. So, what? She went to Church and all her problems were solved?"

"Cornello's miracles and teachings promise the gift of eternal life and rebirth to the dead," one helpful cafe patron smiled. "You should check it out, too, see if Cornello can help you. Definitely the work of God!"

"Rebirth to the dead…" I looked after Rose, troubled. "Let's go, Al!" I said suddenly. We paid and left as the members of the cafe looked after us in surprise.

"Sister… is something wrong?" said Al tentatively.

"Don't you get it, Al? I _can_ relate to Rose." I was suddenly walking fast. "She's not turning to religion out of some misplaced sense of comfort. She's not even studying different religions from intellectual curiosity like I do. She's turning to it for the same reason we turned to alchemy when Mom died - she thinks her boyfriend will be brought back to life if she's good enough and leaves Cornello enough offerings."

"And you want to help her?" said Al softly. "Give her some of your trademark cripplingly blunt encouragement? You know, Ren… for someone who claims not to care about anyone besides me, you help other people an awful lot." There was a fond smile in his voice.

I sighed but didn't protest. "Look, my motives aren't _entirely_ altruistic. Cornello has fooled everybody into thinking he can perform miracles. You never wondered how he's doing that?"

"You think…?" said Al, suddenly hopeful, as he clanked along beside me.

"That's right." My eyes were sharp, deadly. "I think we might have found what we were searching for."


	2. Moving Accounts Decision

Good news: I will continue to write fanfiction.

Bad news: I will not be doing it on FF.

I have decided FF is not a good environment for my mental state. I never liked it, but since coming back I have not been able to handle it. Ao3 is a much calmer place for my fanfic writing, I have decided after this hiatus, so from now on I will only be posting fics on Ao3. My apologies for the inconvenience.

My Ao3 username is Lyn_Laine, for the interested. I have posted several things, including rewrites of several recent fics that appeared on FF.

Please note: Part of the reason Ao3 is so awesome is that I can moderate every single comment you try to post on any of my given stories. Please also note that if you are anonymous, you will not be able to comment on my stories at all. The only thing you can do, in fact, is give kudos. You can try to reach me through my old FF account, I suppose, but I will not be reading reviews and messages from it anymore.

I know lots of people were really upset by my recent announcements, so I thought I'd put this notice up here for those people. Thank you, and thank you for reading my FF stories.

Signing off,

Eilwynn


End file.
